Back from camp

I'm back from Church camp. I should be rejuvenated and have a better relationship with God, aye? On the contrary, I did not feel that. This camp wasn't really great for me. I think I've sort of backslided even more, during the camp. But no fears! I've stepped up, yet again.

Well, I expected a lot from this camp. I really wanted to feel God's presense, hear him talk to me, hear what he has to tell me directly or even through people. I wanted to rejuvenate my relationship with HIM. But then, even until the last night of the camp, where people around me were on their knees etc etc, (some were even so overwhelmed that they cried), I couldn't feel anything.

I told God that time that if he were there, send someone to tell me that he is there. But no one came to me to confirm this. I was really sadden by this. At that time, I seriously felt that God has forsaken me, and that he doesn't love me yada yada. Kinda sad huh? I was so disappointed and I gave up. While people were worshipping around me, I kept saying to HIM that I give up. I give up, I give up, I give up. Then I felt compelled to pick up my bible and flip to a verse. It was Amos 5:4. It says "The LORD keeps saying, "Israel, turn back to me and you will live!"

I sense the Lord telling me to turn back to him. But I was just too overwhelmed with grief that I didn't even wanted to listen. I just gave up. I fell and I didn't want to pick myself up.

The next morning, during devotion, someone mentioned that we shouldn't give up. We are already on the way to the destination. It will be a waste to just give up. I might just be like 5 seconds away from the destination and I just gave up. Then I thought to myself, I shouldn't give up!

I talked to Jon (my cell leader) through MSN later in the night. He gave me some really timely advice. I shouldn't give up. I should continue to do it. I'm willing to sacrifice my time to get to know HIM even better.

And another part why I wasn't really enjoying the camp was that I was basically like a loner. I didn't have many friends. I wasn't really close to anyone. They know each other quite well already and were quite clicky. It's hard to just join them like that. I like to create my own new clicks and not join existing ones. I just don't feel welcomed. It's a gut feeling.

I hope these will change. I want to know God even better and get closer to HIM. I need this relationship. There will be an empty void there if God isn't there.