Back from camp

I'm back from Church camp. I should be rejuvenated and have a better relationship with God, aye? On the contrary, I did not feel that. This camp wasn't really great for me. I think I've sort of backslided even more, during the camp. But no fears! I've stepped up, yet again.

Well, I expected a lot from this camp. I really wanted to feel God's presense, hear him talk to me, hear what he has to tell me directly or even through people. I wanted to rejuvenate my relationship with HIM. But then, even until the last night of the camp, where people around me were on their knees etc etc, (some were even so overwhelmed that they cried), I couldn't feel anything.

I told God that time that if he were there, send someone to tell me that he is there. But no one came to me to confirm this. I was really sadden by this. At that time, I seriously felt that God has forsaken me, and that he doesn't love me yada yada. Kinda sad huh? I was so disappointed and I gave up. While people were worshipping around me, I kept saying to HIM that I give up. I give up, I give up, I give up. Then I felt compelled to pick up my bible and flip to a verse. It was Amos 5:4. It says "The LORD keeps saying, "Israel, turn back to me and you will live!"

I sense the Lord telling me to turn back to him. But I was just too overwhelmed with grief that I didn't even wanted to listen. I just gave up. I fell and I didn't want to pick myself up.

The next morning, during devotion, someone mentioned that we shouldn't give up. We are already on the way to the destination. It will be a waste to just give up. I might just be like 5 seconds away from the destination and I just gave up. Then I thought to myself, I shouldn't give up!

I talked to Jon (my cell leader) through MSN later in the night. He gave me some really timely advice. I shouldn't give up. I should continue to do it. I'm willing to sacrifice my time to get to know HIM even better.

And another part why I wasn't really enjoying the camp was that I was basically like a loner. I didn't have many friends. I wasn't really close to anyone. They know each other quite well already and were quite clicky. It's hard to just join them like that. I like to create my own new clicks and not join existing ones. I just don't feel welcomed. It's a gut feeling.

I hope these will change. I want to know God even better and get closer to HIM. I need this relationship. There will be an empty void there if God isn't there.

AUTUMN

It's finally starting to feel slightly like AUTUMN! The weather is cooler (I haven't whipped out my jacket for a long time! Finally got the chance to show off my new jacket =D Happy much?), and the leaves are falling! YAY! I just love to step on the fallen leaves and hear it crush! Don't ask me why. I feel extremely happy just doing that!

I've made the decision to stay put in Australia. It's hell to me, but I'll learn to live with it. I have to get used to being lonely. I'll just look on the bright side of stuff. For example, I can study better here xD But I don't think I'm studying much. Hehe. I'm still leaving studying to the last minute, ie. cramming 1 day before the test. Same old, same old xD

Things haven't changed much here. What do you expect to change? I'm still alive and kicking here. But I wanna head home to Malaysia! I miss loads of stuff in Malaysia. I miss friends, doggie and food! But I think I miss my doggie the most. Haha. Cuz I can't talk to her, can't hug her, can't cuddle her, can't tease her T.T I can't wait to go back to Malaysia in JUNE!

Studies here have been slightly hectic. Maybe it's due to the fact that I love to procrastinate. PROCRASTINATION RULES! WOOHOO!!! But seriously, I'm not used to the teaching style here in Perth. It's so different from Malaysia when we were spoonfed like crazy. All we needed to do was to memorize the equations. BUT NOW... I have to do some pre-reading first if not I won't understand the class, which I don't. So, I just listen without understanding the classes now. I'm so screwed! I don't wanna repeat my subjects!!!

I'll be heading down south this week (Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday) for my church youth camp! I've kinda been forced to go. Hehe. I didn't want to go in the first place because it was expensive. 4 days 3 nights, AUD119! Multiply that by 2.6 and you get RM309.40! OMG! ISN'T THAT EXPENSIVE??!!! But... I'm still going. Haha. I need to rejuvenate my spiritual life! I think I've kinda like backslided. I'll have to move forward!

I'm not sure what to blog already. I don't wanna blog EMO stuff la. I'm not EMO wth xD

When It All Falls Apart

When everything starts to fall apart, you will just want to sit down and just weep. I guess it's all right to do that for just a while. After that, you will have to pick yourself up, brush away the dust and start walking again. Just remember you have friends around you. They will support you. However, only the true friends will support you. Not those fake ones. Which is why you have to choose properly.

I was feeling really really down today because I got back my results and it wasn't what I expected. I started to fall apart. I started to doubt my decision to come to Perth. I started to even doubt my existence. Thanks to the support of friends, I didn't mope around for like the whole day. I started to pick myself up. I know I will now study harder and strife for the best in the future.

Anyway, today I also got news that my old gangs are all falling apart. I do sometimes wonder if anything could last forever. Why couldn't we just preserve the wonderful good old times when we were younger and much more carefree. I could just remember the times I was in High School. I had so much fun during the breaks between classes. Laughed so much together with friends. Those were true laughters of joy. It was much more frequent last time.

What happened to those innocence that used to surround us? Why did those childhood innocence just vanish to? Why must things like friendship fall apart as we grow elder? People tell me that this is the circle of life, part and parcel of life. But isn't there any way to just stay together? Even people these days are getting divorces more frequently as compared to the people in the olden days.

I just wish I can have a carefree life. Laughing and joking non stop. Just have fun instead of worrying this and that. But I guess that life can't be that simple. People come and go. Life and death. That is the way it has been since long before and long after. I just can't get into this circle of life yet.

I want joy. I want peace. I don't want change. I want YOU.

The emo people

Guess who is emo again?